This post is alternately titled, “The Time My Husband Thought I Was Our Dog”.
In March 2008, Patrick met his soulmate: an eight-pound fluffball of a Scottish Terrier we named Horatio Caine von Kibble, in honor of master thespian David Caruso’s character on CSI: Miami.
From the day we brought him home, they were buddies. Pals. Amigos. Bros. Homies. And over time, they became strikingly similar. They were both very loveable, but a bit moody. They were constantly eating or in search of food. They were always rough housing and causing trouble. They even napped together…
It was silly of me to think that a little thing like, oh, our wedding and me becoming his wife would ever come between Patrick and Horatio’s love. Surely being his wife meant something, right?
Oh, how wrong I was. How very wrong I was, indeed.
Our honeymoon in Colonial Williamsburg was seemingly a reflection of the perfection of our wedding day. It was downright blissful. An afternoon spent at the Williamsburg Spa. A fun day at the Williamsburg Winery, which may or may not have resulted in us wandering back to our car with a bit of a stumble or three. A mock witch trial. The most amazing food you can imagine.
As we settled in bed on our last night in Williamsburg, I was glowing with love and appreciation for the trip, as well as my new loving husband, who was snoozing quietly beside me.
I nestled under the covers with the remote and a bottle of Sam Adams in hand, ready for a couple of hours of Law & Order re-runs. (I am nothing, if not predictable.)
Three episodes into my television bender (an artist was found hanging in her loft, but was it really suicide?!), Patrick’s slumbering form stirred with an indistinct mumble.
“What did you say, honey?”
He didn’t respond, so I went back to my show.
Not five seconds later, his eyes still closed, he responded with the following:
“Horatio, is that you?”
I rolled my eyes a bit and replied, “Yes, it’s me, Horatio.”
I thought he’d laugh, realizing that no, I’m not our 30 pound fatty of a pooch. Apparently even that was giving him too much credit.
“Oh, hey buddy!” With a clumsy hand, he rubbed my head like I was a puppy. “What are you doing in bed?” he continued.
He couldn’t be serious. I played along to see how far this would go.
“Just got tired. I ate a lot today, and pacing around guarding the apartment can take a lot out of a guy, you know?”
“Tell me about it,” he said, in the most sincere sympathetic voice I have ever heard him muster.
Then, with the utmost seriousness, he asked me the following question:
“Hey Horatio, why is your voice raspy? And your vocabulary is rather advanced!”
Seriously?
I had to keep going.
I explained I wasn’t feeling well (“I think I might be coming down with a cold or something…”), and as far as the vocabulary thing, I had been doing some studying on the side.
His eyes still closed, he nodded awkwardly against the pillow he was nuzzling and said, “Well, that makes sense.”
He then congratulated me for my independence and initiative regarding my study habits. He also hoped that I got better soon.
The conversation went on for a bit longer; he asked me whether I liked the new food we were feeding me, and whether Clover was giving me too much of a hard time. He listened to my made up answers attentively, nodding appropriately, conveying caring and love when needed.
Eventually he could no longer carry on the conversation.
“Hey, Horatio, I’m really sleepy,” he yawned out. “We’ll talk more tomorrow, okay, buddy?”
“Of course, me too.”
“Okay. Love you, Horatio.”
“Love you, too.”
And that was that.
Patrick sure knows how to make a girl feel special on the last night of a honeymoon, am I right?
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
bahahaha! I love doing this to my husband too…My husband one time told me that my papers were over by the fork lifts and then yelled at me because I didn’t move the forklift over quick enough.. lol I told him “I’m sorry that I don’t drive forklifts in my house that often.” He never remembers any of it but I love listening to his discussions!
If only I had a blog to transcribe Liz’s sleeping conversations into… I do seem to remember an incident during that very week. Something about bunnies. Can’t QUITE recall.
Tears of laughter sprang to my eyes while reading this. Classic.
Hilarious! The best part is that I’m imagining Horatio actually saying these things. Because in my imagination of what he’s like … he actually talks.
Um yeah. I have conversations every day with my best bud kitty SnowCrash. He doesn’t usually manage more than a plaintaive mew when he’s begging attention or a more forceful scream when he’s demanding food, but in my dreams… he talks. Also, my cat is far manlier than that moppet of a canine….and his tail poofs out to three times its normal size and he hides under our bed at the slightest sign of danger.
I really enjoyed this tale. It reminds me of a very drunken New Years Eve when I got a befuddling rendition of Twas the Night Before Christmas (fulling rhyming) from a passed out Terry. I was also accused of telling the “Christmas Lie,” which to this day I have no idea what that means.
This is so funny! I love sleep talking!
That is an awesome story.
YOU MUST ADD THE PICTURE OF THE GIANT HEAD.
I find this very concerning and I gave birth to the groom, many long years ago. Liz has the patience that obviously will be needed!
LMAO! For real? I give you props, Liz for playing along with his game. I think I would have either smacked him or been laughing too hard to keep up the conversation! Did you tell him the next morning? You have blackmail for life.
See? This is why I went for cats.
And always keep a camera in the bedroom.
What?
this made me laugh *so much*
OMG I laughed SO much at this post, you have no idea. Those are some length conversations he has with Horatio!
And just so you know, my boy and the cat are the same. Buds. Pals. Lameness. Especially since he didn’t even WANT a cat. Now I am the abandoned one!
Hilarious!!! Sweet Horatio!
Have a wonderful weekend!
lol! That’s *amazing*- I kind of love that it seemed very normal to him, I wonder if they have one sided versions of those conversations on a daily basis? (I know I chat with my puppies, like the crazy lady I am lol)
Hey Liz!
It was so great to meet you at the HH!! (This is Amanda) Can’t wait to read through and catch up on your blog and hopefully see you again!
xoxo
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