This isn’t going to be some fluff piece, because it’s time for me to be honest with myself. And I know I’m going to pad this introduction with a few more sentences before I get to my point since, even though everyone knows the truth, saying it ‘outloud’ (so to speak) is difficult. I’d rather deflect everything with humor or some sort of anecdote about the time I worked at a bail bonds office.
So here it goes.
I have a weight problem.
A bad one.
Let’s be blunt. I’m fat.
Not in the derogatory sense.
Not in the ‘please placate me by telling me I have a pretty face’ sense.
Just fat.
I can admit that, when it comes to stereotypes, I’m the funny, fat friend.
And it’s hard. I look in the mirror and try not to cringe every day, because 9 times out of 10, I hate the person staring back at me.
My weight has always been a constant struggle for me. Well, let me rephrase that. My own perception of my weight issues has been a constant struggle for me. To be frank, growing up and all through high school, I looked amazing. I look back at pictures now and wonder why the hell I was so hard on myself.
Somewhere along the line, though, I developed an actual weight problem that I have let spiral out of control over the years. And it’s the worst kind of vicious cycle. I ate when I was bored. I ate when I was unhappy. Then I got depressed about eating when I was bored and unhappy, so I would proceed to ‘eat my feelings’ some more.
Productive, right?
What makes it harder (in my mind, at least) is that I’m so freakin’ tall. Being 6’1” and overweight is just hard to hide. I feel big. Constantly. I feel uncomfortable. Constantly. I want to slouch and be 5’4”. Constantly.
I’ve spent so many days crying in fitting rooms because I can’t stand the way I look. I come out of course, and I smile. I joke. But inside I hate myself. I always have.
I’m very lucky that I have a gorgeous husband who somehow thinks I’m the most beautiful girl in the world. But it’s time for me to do something about it. I love the compliments he pays me and how he looks at me, but this goes beyond looks.
It’s about how I feel.
I’m tired of hulking over everyone else. I’m tired of my legs rubbing together to the point where my jeans wear through. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling inferior to everyone around me. I’m tired of hiding in photos, pretending I’m happier behind the camera rather than in front of it. I’m tired of nothing ever fitting correctly. I’m tired of having to special order clothing. I’m tired of constantly comparing myself to everyone around me. I’m tired of feeling out of shape. I’m tired of getting out of breath after the smallest bit of exercise.
But I always made excuses. Always. It has taken me a long time to admit that part of the reason I never followed through on really trying to make a change is because I use my weight as a crutch; a way to keep people at a distance. I hide behind it. It’s my safety net so I never have to go out there and try, or do, or be, or live. It was a way to keep me separate from everyone else; a way to reinforce that ‘me against the world’ mentality that I so desperately love to cling to.
But then something in me snapped on January 1st. Is it because I’m turning 30 years old next year? Is it something else? I don’t know. In spite of the cliche of ‘losing weight’ as a New Year’s resolution, when 2011 started, something in my brain snapped. I got tired of whining about everything, and I actually started doing something.
Seriously, it’s like this part of my brain, completely independent from everything else, woke up and said, “Okay, that’s it. You’re making good decisions from now on and that’s final.”
Did you know I’ve willingly given up soda? I haven’t had any takeout, fast food, or pizza since the start of the year? And I don’t miss it? And that I only drink water? And some devil-possessed part of my brain has gotten me to start researching how to run? And I want to try yoga?
WHO AM I?!
All possessed-by-the-devil quips aside, I’ve taken a stand against myself. I’m not going to be this bogged down person anymore. I guess I wasn’t kidding when I wrote that end of the year post in 2010. This year was really going to be about changing myself for the better. And it’s not just about losing weight. I want to be healthier and happier. I want to treat myself better. No fad diets. No detox cleanses. Nothing like that.
This is about changing my lifestyle to a healthy one. I’ll feel better, and I know buried somewhere underneath it all is a gal who isn’t too shabby looking and wants to be active.
And for once, I know I’m going to do it. I know there will be times that I will get frustrated or plateau, but I’m committed. This year is not only the ten year anniversary for myself and two of my best friends. It’s the ten year anniversary of when I moved out on my own. I’ve come so far in that amount of time, and now it’s time to be the me I know I can be.
I’m completely terrified. I don’t want to fail. I desperately don’t want to fail. It’s all about baby steps though, I suppose. And thankfully I’ve got a great coach, who’s been the best coach since as long as I’ve known her. And a great husband. And amazing friends.
I wonder what Liz will be writing here in 2012. I’m so excited to find out. Hell, maybe I’ll be a Liz who’s already got a 5k under her belt by then.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
You go girl! I know you can do it!
Couch to 5K is a great program for a beginning runner, FYI:)
p.s. I approach anything thinking failure is not an option. set realistic goals and you’ll get there:)
I am so freaking proud of you. I have been where your are and I know just what you are saying. I will support you 110% in your endeavor to be the new and improved Liz.
You can do it, lady! It definitely has much more to do with taking care of yourself and choosing to have a healthy life, but damn if it isn’t a lot of work. I’m rooting for you!
Dearest Liz – I’m more than proud of you for writing this post. Writing down the things that haunt us is one of the easiest ways to not only hold ourselves accountable, but to get over that hurdle of “doing something” about it. I think now that you’ve written it out, it’s going to be a lot easier for you to work on this issue.
I completely understand that need to feel better, feel healthier, and feel more confident and exercise/shedding weight is one of the easiest ways to do that. I constantly worry about my weight but some sort of mental glitch happens and I fall back into old habits. I firmly believe (and hope) that, once you get into the habit of doing things right, you forget how to do them wrong. As I move into this phase of my life where I want to possibly meet someone, get married, and start a family, I can’t help but think about all the internal things I need to work on before I’m really ready for that. Changing my eating/exercising habits is one of the many things on that list that I need to work on.
Also, I am going to say all the cliched things I just said to you in GChat (that I hate when people say to me when I talk about my weight): You’re absolutely beautiful and perfect. You’re a great person who, in the short time I’ve known you, has already come to mean a lot to me. That said, we’re not always the representations of ourselves that we planned to be at one point or another. It takes a lot of energy and effort to get to the point where we’re happy with ourselves in every way. Once you get there with your health/weight, I think you’re going to be really happy with who/where you are and where you’re going.
If you ever need a gym buddy, I’m your girl.
*hugs* up until tuesday, i had these very same thoughts. then i decided i’m going to stop hating myself, one step at a time. you (we) can do this!
That’s when it really works- when that switch gets thrown internally. I can’t figure out what triggers it but I’ve felt it and it’s powerful. Best to you on your journey!
I think is awesome! I’ve had eating issues that are much the same: depression, etc., then once I stopped being depressed, I had gotten in the habit of eating whatever the hell I wanted and didn’t bother changing anything. I had a similar “snapping” moment last year when we bought the house and I was so incredibly tired after doing the smallest thing. I’ve lost about 33 pounds so far, and it’s been slooooow going, but I think that’ll make it easier to keep it off. Your goals sound great and I have no doubt you can reach them.
Very best of luck to you! I really do recommend healthy living blogs as a good way to see how to get healthy without going to diet extremes. Finding that genre really changed my attitude about what it means to be a healthy person. Food is beautiful, nourishing and the perfect fuel for activities. It is 100% possible to get in shape and enjoy every minute of it!