Serious Problem

I have a problem.  It’s something that, at first, I thought was completely normal.  There was nothing wrong with me, right?  I’m not doing anything THAT abnormal…

…but apparently I was wrong.

MY NAME IS LIZ, AND I AM AN INTERNET HOARDER.

Some people collect stamps. Others, coins.  I… compulsively troll the internet daily for funny images and animated .gifs which I store in a Photobucket account that now takes about 6 minutes to load.  It’s true.  I timed it just now.  I was hoping for at least under two minutes.  In fact earlier this month I reached critical mass and had to buy a pro Photobucket account to sustain my habit.

I’d like to think I have a .gif or image for every occasion…

“I am completely shocked by what you have just told me!”

“I am so sorry for your loss.  I am devastated!”

“I can tuck you in bed!”

“Did I offend you with my joke about rabbis and saltines?”

“Wanna bang?”

I’ve been cultivating this collection for years.  Literally about five years of hard work.  Hundreds of funnies that make my life just a bit better.  I call my Photobucket account “The Vault”.

Sometimes, when I don’t have use for them, I’ll wait the six ridiculously long minutes for everything to load, and I’ll scroll through my vault, glancing lovingly at all of the awesome files I have amassed.  I know it’s insane.  I feel completely weird doing it, like I’m a cocaine dealer lusting over a new shipment — but I can’t help it.

IT IS NOT MY FAULT THE INTERNET IS SO FUNNY AND INVITING.

YOU SEE?! WHO COULD RESIST RIGHT CLICK/SAVE AS-ING THAT? ONLY A SOULLESS, LIFELESS HUSK OF A HUMAN COULD — THAT’S WHO.

This isn’t my fault.

There are times when I get mad at the internet though.

Thank you, internet. You have ruined Clive Owen. FOREVER.

But in the end, my anger never keeps me from trying to further my collection each day.

Is this a problem?  Apparently.  Recently I decided to take my relationship with Patrick to the next level.  We had gotten married, so I figured he had earned the right to see what no other man has seen — my vault.  I thought he’d be impressed — he is a purveyor of all things having to do with the internet.  He likes bad memes, funny websites, inappropriate humor, and web comics.  This was going to be a win-win.  I thought we’d sit there while he’d be in awe of me and my collection.

“You’re amazing,” he’d say. “I never thought I could love you more, my beautiful sweet, shining angel, but I guess I was wrong.  This is glorious, and you’re a goddess for doing this.”

That’s not exactly how things went down when I showed him.  I know you’re positively floored by that knowledge bomb I just dropped on you.

He was impressed, yes.  But he also called me weird and said that I was the internet equivalent of a hoarder.

THEN ONE TIME I TRIED TO SHOW HIM FUNNY GIFS  I HAD FOUND THAT DAY VIA GCHAT AND HE SAID HE WASN’T INTERESTED IN SEEING FUNNY GIFS ALL THE TIME. WHAT. WHO SAYS THAT.

Our marriage then entered a very dark period.

Okay, it didn’t, but I was sad! Really sad!

So yes.  Here I am, coming clean.  I have an addiction, and it’s an addiction I’m not sure I know how to kick.  I push all of my gifs onto friends, creating situations so I can utilize the latest LOL I have come across on my web travels.  If I could toss all of my gifs and images up in the air and then let them float down around me in slow motion, while I dance to “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears, I would in a heartbeat.

This is my confession.

Also, I’ve sat here for five minutes trying to figure out a legit way to insert my crying Dawson gif into this post, and I can’t think of one, so I’m just going to throw him in here:

Sigh. I have a problem.

Tagged as: about liz, hoarding, MY GIFS LET ME SHOW YOU THEM, Patrick, the internet