Meet my husband, Patrick:
He’s got his hater-blockers on because his future is so bright.
What can I say about Patrick? He is hilarious and appreciates the finer/tasteless things in life. He puts up with my Law & Order addiction. He is the kind of guy who still gives me flowers for no reason, and then he’ll say things like, “You’re beautiful, so I thought you deserved something beautiful.” (I know.)
He is also a terrifying superhuman monster when it comes to food. This isn’t the usual “Gawd, he eats everything and is so skinny!!!” complaint — although that is very true. It’s the sheer volume of food he consumes, and how quickly he can do so.
I’m half (completely) convinced that he unhinges his jaw like a snake in order to eat the quantities of food he does.
Patrick at Chipotle yesterday afternoon.
This fun fact about Patrick is not something that has escaped the well-trained eyes of his peers. On a sunny Sunday afternoon in April, I came home to find my husband curled up in the fetal position on the couch, after returning from his bachelor weekend. His Best Man arranged a mancation at a tricked out cabin in Shenandoah for Patrick and some buddies.
Through his weary moans, came stories of booze, awesomeness, over-microwaved hot dogs soaked in Jameson…
…and the Quad Fish.
What’s great about guys is that, if you give them enough booze and time away from civilization, they will come up with the craziest shit. Stuff that you would never even dream of in normal settings.
That weekend, it became common knowledge that Patrick was a food machine who could take down almost any food challenge. They learned that he’s the guy who watched the commercial for the Triple Whopper from Burger King and said, “That’ll be a great appetizer!”
Now the Legend of the Quad Fish actually began as a challenge that weekend. Could Patrick conquer the Quad fish? No, surely not! It’s huge and gross! It’s obscene!
You might be saying to yourself, “Even though the picture above makes it totally obvious what the Quad Fish is, I’m going to be that asshole and ask what the heck it is.”
The answer is: a light afternoon snack. Duh.
One afternoon in mid-July, Patrick decided to put the nay-sayers down. He was going puff up his chest in a really manly way and get his Quad Fish on.
My circus sideshow of a husband was able to devour the Quad Fish in 53 seconds. He wasn’t even rushing. I wish I were kidding, but Patrick ate that beast at his usual leisurely pace.
Some women take pride in their husbands for their ability to remember birthdays, or to remember to put the toilet seat down. I, on the other hand, have a special place in my heart for this man who, once when we were out at IHOP, had two entrees AND dessert.
Quad Fish: 0 — Patrick: 1
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
i know you’re all prez of the patrick fan club but can i be like secretary or some shit? Cause that’s fucking bad ass.
And that quad fish? Looks fucking gross. *shudder* Good on him for downing it in less than a minute!!
xox
seriously? he’s my hero. 7 years ago i was rushed into emergency gallbladder removal surgery and all i ate was the “fish fry drink-and-a-pie” mcmeal. this guy’s ironman.
Ah… you wacky younglings. You’re on the food layaway plan. Eat now, pay later. Everything changes after 30. You will see. I, like, totally figured out why they serve celery sticks with hot wings after I hit 35.
That is disgusting. And awesome. But really, really disgusting.
GET THEE A FLIP CAM.
Next mission… the Hex-Fish.
Your husband sounds really awesome. I’m impressed with his quick eating abilities. I am a painfully slow eater.